The Foundation for a Drug-Free World, a program founded in 2006 by the Church of Scientology, gave lectures on drug abuse to students at 30 New York City public schools last year, DNAinfo reports today. That news alone should be alarming enough to anyone who's familiar with the church—but wait until you hear the batshit, made-up "street names" for drugs that the Scientologists are teaching your children.
Lesson plans made available for free download on the program's website are filled with scary unsourced anecdotes about kids killing their friends with hatchets after taking Ritalin or walking into busy intersections while tripping on acid. They also claim that all the cool kids are too busy smoking "astro turf," shooting "hell dust," and huffing "moon gas" to do their homework.
The foundation gives slang names for a bevy of drugs, from codeine to crack cocaine, and all of them sound like they were invented by desperate narcotics agents or pulled from the New York Times' famously misguided dictionary of "grunge speak." MDMA, for instance, is known as Essence, love pill, and California sunrise. (No mention of Molly.)
Inhalants like poppers and whippets have the most vivid selection of monikers: toilet water, discorama, satan's secret, aroma of men, snotballs, rush, snappers, locker room, hiagra (Viagra? Niagara?) in a bottle.
Who's up for some hell dust?
Fancy some Bernice?
Crack: also known as devil drug, jellybeans, and crunch & munch.
Hippie is what you call people who do acid, not the acid itself.
Prescription opiates like codeine are tango & cash, goodfella, schoolboy, dance fever, and "friend."
Laugh all you want, but the foundation is doing its job, if only inadvertently: Armed with fake names like "buzz bomb" and "astro turf," these kids will definitely not find any real drugs when they inevitably go looking.